A God Immense and Holy
Your name is YHWH.
You are not some trinket god carved from stone or wood. Nathaniel Bassey describes You aptly: “You are God, from beginning to the end, there is no place for argument, You are God all by Yourself.” This unique quality makes You incomprehensible; a lifetime is insufficient to learn about You. Recently, I found the courage to say these words: “God, You let me down.”
A God Who Disappoints
All my life, I could never have envisaged You as One who disappoints. Songs are replete about how You never disappoint or let anyone down; I wonder if the composers are not mistaken. It is well-intentioned, almost like the fallacy that: “What God cannot do does not exist,” a stark misrepresentation of Matthew 19: 26 and Luke 1: 37. Besides, the misrepresented phrase and the Scripture verses have distinct meanings.
In the former, You are a lying God. I know, I know. You cannot lie, but that is the implication of that phrase. It has unwittingly claimed Your eternal truthfulness as non-existent. You also cannot be created, but that is another matter. Conversely, the latter captures Your omnipotence: You parted the red sea and allowed a virgin to conceive without intercourse. These acts are humanly impossible, but as angel Gabriel said in Luke 1: 37, “Nothing is impossible for God.”
Likewise, with good intentions, I refused to acknowledge my disappointment in You because I thought it was a sacrilege. How could I accuse a whole Almighty?
Count One
I had my life all planned out. Left to me, it would have been a bestselling book. The world would see and know that I’m the daughter of The Living God – His favourite baby girl. That is the first way You let me down: You do not play favourites. (Romans 2:11)
Some of what I wished for myself has happened to others. By others, I mean those who have zero regard for You. They are thriving and living their best lives – #blessed, while we who put our hopes in You struggle and toil till our bodies hurt and our souls get weary. All my eggs are in Your basket and have cracked.
Count Two
I tried to please You. I tried to do all the Bible says would make You happy, believing You would acknowledge and bless me; pay me back because my goodness leaves You in my debt. That is the second way You let me down: Your blessings are not based on my effort but of Your own accord. (Romans 9: 16)
Count Three
“Surely, You must know I am in it with You for the long haul. Why are You delaying? Why do You keep shifting the goalpost?” These questions arose in my despair because I have tried to reconcile a benevolent God to the crookedness of my life. Like some others, I have wondered about Your aloofness. I weep; my pillows are wet with tears. I beat my chest and wait for You to rescue me and many others on eagle’s wings.
That is the third way You let me down. Isaiah 45: 15 says: “The God of Israel, who saves His people, is a God who conceals Himself…” (Good News Translation)
A God who plays Hide and Seek
I now understand. You are a God who likes to play Hide and Seek. I didn’t play much of it as a child, so it is slightly challenging now that I am older, but I learn every day
You let me down entirely so I can discard the idol created in my image and likeness. My preconceived notions of You are tottering under the weight of expectations I heaped on You. I’m reeling from the bewildering reality that You are not who I thought You were. Disappointment is forcing me to search for You – the real You. Now I am learning to be patient. I do not mean simply waiting, but also learning not to get angry when You fall short of my expectations as I have done in the past.
A God on His terms
Our lofty opinions of You are sincere, provided they are on Your terms. I’m finite, and You are infinite, with a bird’s-eye view of everything. Your sovereign knowledge compels You to refuse my desires as I imagine them because You have better desires for me. Ironically, I have learnt to keep hoping in The God who sees me.
El-Roi is Your Name
With all these disappointments, I should have called it quits with You long ago, but I have the strength to hope in my core, and I know that this is inner strength I do not naturally possess. Hope is Your gift to me. This hope is refining my life in ways I did not expect. I have watched my desires get adjusted and readjusted, getting finer and excellent, inching me closer and closer to Your sovereign plans for me.
Thank You.
So this is to You, YHWH. The immense and holy God who lets me down so I can know Him and live according to His will.
Joanna Bome Kure 
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